I'm gonna do it anyways. Because, I'm committed, damn it.
And, I have fresh coffee.
My thoughts are all over the place tonight. Sometimes these ninja like memories appear out of nowhere and slice old wounds wide open. They leave me wishing with my whole heart that I could go back and change some things. For a girl who swore never to believe in regret, I wish I could find myself during a specific time in my life and smack some sense into her.. I'd jump up and down in front of her face and wave my arms frantically. I'd yell, "Don't go there, Melissa!" "Don't do that!" "You're better than that!" "You're smarter than this!"
I can usually take the thoughts captive and realize that it's pretty dumb to let past hurts bother me in the present.
To quote a very nerdy show called Firefly: "If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak."
You're not missing anything.
That makes NO SENSE. No sense at all.
That's the point - It's the same with wishing. It makes no logical sense.
Wishing is dumb because it's impossible. You can wish and wish and wish and nothing comes from it. Life ain't no Cinderella-ville where you can squeeze your eyes real tight, sing a little ditty, wish with all your might and end up going to the ball in a beautiful dress on the arm of Prince Charming. It doesn't work like that. Wishing is wasted energy. It teaches you nothing, takes you nowhere, and eventually leaves you disappointed.
So where does that leave us then? Forced to face the decisions of our past? Stuck with where we are today because of our mistakes of yesterday? Swallowing mouthfulls of regret?
Um. Pretty Much.
I mean, you could keep all that pain and regret buried, but what will that provide? A fast track to the looney bin, that's what. Darkness and secrecy will overtake your soul and change your entire demeanor. It's not healthy.
You must face up to the errors of the past and accept them if you ever want to move forward. You have to pick up the deck of cards life has dealt you - or you have dealt yourself - and play them out. No bluffing allowed. Play that hand until those cards are no longer in your possession. Even if you lose. Stick around for the next round and hope you get better cards and make smarter plays. Or take control of the deal yourself, and stack the deck in your favor. Either way, you won't even have a chance to win unless you look at your cards and play them to the best of your ability.
Regret is a bit different. It isn't all bad. Sincere regret offers a learning opportunity and a chance to not make the same mistake in the future. However, regret is not meant to be dwelt upon. Too much and it accompanies wishing, a useless emotion that no matter how much you do it, it changes nothing. What's done is done. There is no going back. Only moving forward.
No matter how painful some memories can be, I just have to cling to the fact that the God that I serve is Sovereign. (Yep, I went there, and am certain to lose some of you with those words, but whatever, my blog, yo!) I just have to trust that sometimes God allows uncomfortable things to happen and mistakes to be made because it can be used for good. It can shape us into better people with broader experiences and deeper perspectives. Sure I'd love to go back and change some things, but would it change where I am today? Would eliminating some hurt also eliminate some beauty? I am almost certain it would.
I know. I feel like my writing tonight is a bit scattered and vague. Maybe that is just my brain. You're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Maybe you're not. Maybe you know exactly what I am talking about, because you've been there, in your own way, in your own game. Maybe you're figuring out how to play your own cards and developing a strategy for the next round.
Whatever it may be - stop wishing for better cards and play what you have in your hand. You might be surprised at what comes next.
Lesson 9: I am thankful for all the cards I've been dealt. Even the Crappy ones. I'd like to think they've made me a better player.