Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Finality Of Four

I briefly mentioned Wilo visiting the doctor in the post I wrote the other day. It was time for him to see a specialist as he has had this nonstop, irritating noise in his ear that just won't quit. It's been there for 13 years.

The diagnosis was easy - turns out it's caused by a 5ft 3in, brunette girl.  The treatment varies, but duct tape is commonly prescribed.

HA.

He actually went to get the process started for his "procedure". The procedure that would ensure no Baby Cinco.

I know, I know. John is nearly 17 months old and we are just now starting the process. It's not like I have been day dreaming about having another baby. Mr. Mayhem is perfect, and wonderful, and a giant sized handful.

It's just that the process is just so....permanent.

This may be my inner-catholic coming out, but I have gone back and forth about how I feel regarding birth control and permanent sterilization in the context of a long term, well established, Christian marriage. More specifically - my OWN marriage.

(I am not dogging birth control AT ALL, and agree that it was/is an incredible tool for the advancement of women. I believe it is necessary for any sexually active adult and would never discredit its validity. )

I don't feel the Catholic religion is completely wrong when it comes to their stance on Family Planning -  using natural methods and ultimately trusting God. We are taught to put our faith in God for all other matters, why wouldn't we trust Him in this aspect?

Perhaps my pregnancy with John helped influence my perspective. I was not planning on having a fourth child, and the pregnancy defied all logic. It happened. As I've written before, I was confused and frustrated and overwhelmed. I thought God was out of His, impossible to comprehend, mind. I had no choice but to trust Him with complete abandon. In hindsight, that pregnancy happened because it was in God's plan for me to have that baby. I know that with every fiber of my heart.

Secondly, Permanent Sterilization IS unnatural. There is no debating it. It isn't something that occurs naturally to all men at a specific stage in their life. Women are programmed to naturally stop bearing children at a certain point; men are not.

Finally, and perhaps the most emotionally obvious, this means that I will never, ever be pregnant again. I will never, ever be able to connect with and establish an incredible bond with someone I have never seen before. I will never be able to hold my very own, brand new baby or watch a differing, unique person grow. I love babies. I love children. I love being a mother.

+++

Obviously, we've decided to go through with the "procedure".  And, it's not just because Wil threatened to do it himself. Or the fact I want to go to Disney World sans an infant in a couple years. Or the fact the big kids couldn't stomach the realization that their parents still have sex.

I put much thought and debate into the decision.

Trusting God is a valid reason. But, I also trust that if we were not supposed to do this, I would be overwhelmed with the feeling not to do so. I do not feel that way. In fact, I feel the opposite. I feel like God has been pressing it on my heart to do this, and it's been my selfish, " I heart babies" motives delaying the decision.

I have always believed God to be very much a part of the Medical Community.  He has blessed outstanding, bright minds with innovative ideas, and enabled technological advancements. A vasectomy is no different.

We have been overly, OVERLY, blessed with the four children that define our family. I have had four uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries. I do not feel like anyone is missing, where I have in the past.  I really feel, deep down, our family is complete. I love being a mother, and I have four lives to enjoy doing just that.

So. Monday was the first step. The next step is meeting with the actual doctor who will do the surgery and signing off on a permission slip. YEP. He has to have my approval, or no go. (I find this amusing, but wrong as women are not required to have their husband sign off. Different post, different day, I guess.) He must wait 30 days after that meeting to have it done. They apparently want to be sure HE is sure.

I'd be lying to say that the reality of never having another baby makes me a teeny, tiny bit sad. But, I know we are doing the right thing.

And, Disney World will be so. much. fun.