Saturday, April 23, 2011

No Woman No Cry

I am was in a bad spot today.

I do a fine job at putting a lot of these feelings at bay but every so often they creep up and consume me.

I know, I know.  A good writer wouldn't vaguely reference 'these feelings' ; they would've turned it into therapeutic muse.  And don't worry, they are nothing alarming or overly worrisome, just things that make me sad. 

Sigh.

Woe is me.

BAH - I hate even writing that sentence because I know that in the big picture of life - mine is pretty good. I have so many things to be thankful for, all I have to do is look in to the eyes of my four children to know that I am overly blessed. I am sitting at a computer, on the Internet, in my home.  My feet are bare because I chose to have them that way, There is coffee in my cup - complete with sugar and cream.  Eggs are boiling to be festively colored later. There is food in my refrigerator to cook for dinner.  John has an abundance of diapers, cheerios and milk. We are all here together. Jesus loves me.

I know. I am a lucky woman by many, many standards.

I don't wish to sound whiney or full of complaints.

But.

There are definite relationships and scenarios in my life outside my husband and my own little family that bring me great sadness. As much as I try to chuck that sadness off in lieu of  my normal worn cheerleading uniform and a set of pompoms - there are times where IT wins. Times where the hurt is so strong that if I could, I would stay in my bed all day and cry into my pillow, only to wake and do it again. Times where I want to track down the primary players in this cast of gloom and not only tell them how much they are hurting me, but stomp my feet, pound my fists and scream as loud as I can because  maybe, just maybe they'd understand then?

But. Staying in my bed all day wouldn't result in anything other than me becoming fatter and my house becoming a disaster. The kids would be seriously creeped out by the sight of an inconsolable mother and probably start crying themselves.  Telling (or screaming at ) these players exactly how much they've hurt me wouldn't serve any purpose other than me feeling better for a few seconds. I'd end up feeling bad for my confrontation and start crying and passing out hugs, I'm sure.

It doesn't sound like it, but I HAVE already forgiven them.  Forgiveness is heavily in my nature AND God says that we are to forgive like he has forgave us.  And, I have.  But, forgiving someone doesn't make it hurt any less. Jesus doesn't say that life will be easy street and carefree. Laugh if you will, but Satan likes to prey on the feelings that cause us most pain and leave us most vulnerable. That's what he does. But, Jesus is constant when our own feeling's are fickle. His Love and Power never cease, and his army of angels are always at war on our behalf, should we ask for his help.

I did ask for help letting go of this hurt, and I prayed for peace. I asked my friends to ask!  And, they did. And...I believed.

I'm pleased to report, that I wrote this post over the course of 2 hours. 3 hours, I was busy parenting - aka - keeping baby John from sneaking to the door, building a ladder, unlocking the lock, and making a dash to climb up the outside of the house. He fell asleep after a healthy snack - a real, cut up, banana. My brother in law stopped by and surprised us with Easter baskets from my mother in law, and some treats for me, too.  It's raining a little, but the kids  played with their friends across the yard; they had hula hoops and we had jump ropes. Jake threw the football a bit with a neighborhood boy and rode his fancy bike.  Now, Abby is playing house on her friends porch, while the big two watch a movie.

Thanks for listening. I am feeling better. Thank you, Jesus for being alive and true and full of so. much. love.

OH! One of the original intentions of this post was to share a song that always makes me feel better. A long time a go, far far away, I was very sad over issues with my parents and a boy who, at that moment, broke my heart and a very good friend left this as a voicemail on my...pager.  It instantly made me feel better. I love how it makes me feel the same, NOW.

You all may enjoy the song, and laugh at the fact I'm old enough to have had a pager.

: )