Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Anxious Truth

I was very anxious today.

It creeps up from time to time.

It feels like I stuck all my fingers into an outlet. Well, I think. I've never been electrocuted  and 'Ways to die' is one of the 7 things I've never Googled. But...

Physically - every muscle in my whole body tightens. I can feel it in my fingers, my back, my chest, my ears and my teeth.

Inside my mind plays a scenario over and over and over again, each time with a different not-so-pleasant ending. The final act varies from the possible, to the blatant extreme. An uneasy, unfounded apprehension starts to cloud my perception. My mind starts to drift from issue to non issue and back again. I start to recall what seems like every single instance in my life where I have felt anxiety or discomfort and relive those same, exact feelings once more.

I try to shake it.

I try to pray through it. I read my Bible.  I wear my smile and pass out kisses to my babies. I try to sit and read all of  my daily digital comforts but am way to fidgety to sit still. I search for something to clean in an effort to distract my mind but it just results in a tidal wave of tension. It's only by the Grace of God that these instances don't give way to full blown panic attacks.

Wilo asks me what is wrong. I reply with a causal "Nothing" and he calls me out on lying. He says he can tell by the expression on my face. He knows I can't always tell him why I'm anxious, because sometimes I just AM.

Some days, the fact that I'm anxious makes me MORE anxious.

This morning was very rough. I am thankful for a short visit with a friend, and the message of a daily devotion. I prayed for peace.  Wilo was awesome in suggesting a nap. The first time I attempted to do so, I was so very restless and couldn't sleep. The second attempt was better and I rested.

As I woke up, he asked if I was feeling better. I replied: "Well, at least I don't feel like a tweeked-out, crack-head at the moment."  He chuckled; I laughed.

I am a smart, savvy, intuitive woman. I know this is not normal. I know it's not natural as it is happening, if that makes any sense at all. I know it's as easy as going to my family doctor and describing my symptoms and walking out with some anti-anxiety medication.

Would you believe me if I told you that the mere thought of going to the doctor strictly for anxiety, makes me anxious?

Obviously, it very much does.