Monday, April 12, 2010

Hola Quatro!

Hola Quatro!

Ok, ok, ok, I know I promised you I would stop calling you that. At least I dropped the curse word I used to put in front of it, right? I do feel bad about using that nickname and when I tell you the story years from now (when you are an adult and allowed to use such inappropriate words in moderation) I hope you find it somewhat amusing that you caught me so off guard!

You, my darling, accomplished something that very few have even attempted - You left me speechless. Literally. You know what I am talking about - those early days where I refused to talk to anyone and walked around with a dumbfounded expression on my face? Remember when you were in heaven laughing at my denial wearing an mischievous grin? Yeah…those days.

Those early days were rough, no? Aside from my shock and awe at the news of you - I was struggling just getting thru the day with out fainting multiple times. No joke! You knocked me off my feet, little one! Thank goodness your daddy was there to catch me as I fell…most of the time. Was it your way of making me take note? Your way of making me snap out of the tiny bit of denial I was in?

Either way - Thank you.

Thank you for being patient with your mama as I grew accustomed to the idea of you. We’ve come a long way since those early days, huh? Where as then, I couldn’t picture my life with you…now, I cannot picture my life without you.

I think about you, every day. A million times, even. I pray about you daily, too.

I wonder if you are growing correctly and if you are as healthy as you appear. I wonder about what you will look like - Will you look like me? Will you look like your Daddy? Will you have brown locks like your oldest siblings or “yellow” hair like your toddler sister? Or will you break the mold like your Aunt Andrea and be a raven haired beauty? Will you even have hair? (Apologies in advance if you do not and I tape bows to your hair.) Will you sleep thru the night at 3 days old like your brother or will you be up every 2 hours around the clock like your sister, Abby? Will you be an easy to manage mix of both like Raegan?

Can you sense your daddy’s pride when he tells his friends and co-workers that his baby number four is on the way? Do you feel me smile when he jokes about this being all my fault for being so irresistible? Can you hear me yell at your siblings? (Which, by the way, and remember this for future: If you do what I ask the first time, or even the second time, I will not have to use THAT tone.).
Do you hear Jakob confirm, loudly - “IT’S A BOY!” every time I discuss you and accidentally use the word “she” or admit to someone that we don’t know your gender? I wonder if you feel Abby rub my belly back and forth as she daydreams about a real life baby to cuddle. Do you feel the hugs that Raegan gives you every morning or every evening as I lay on the couch? Do you get as big of kick out of hearing her tell everyone that She will change your diapers, feed you and love you THIS MUCH? (Sorry she tries to sit on you, the belly is quite the ledge and apparently looks like a great seat.)

I feel so honored that you chose us to be your family, despite the early days of denial, disbelief and everything surrounding your arrival. You are a brave one, darling. I feel so special - you are the reason I am able to enjoy the beauty of pregnancy one more time. I love feeling you move in response to what I do or eat. I love the look of my belly and size of my chichi’s (TMI for you? Get used to it, darlin’). I love having you so intimately close to me. I love knowing you before I’ve even seen you. You are special. You were sent to us by God, himself.

I, simply, love YOU.

WE love you!

We love you even though we don’t know if you are a he or a she. We will love you even if you are bald. We will love you even if you are not as healthy as you appear. We love you for being so perfectly, you.

As the weeks progress, we will anticipate your arrival more and more…until then, lets enjoy this special time we have between us. The time that is strictly unique and so powerful between a mother and a child. Let’s make up for those early months. You will be here soon enough, so lets take it slow and savor these last few, ok?

I promise you - we will even settle on a name and not a number for you, little one.